Most people I know (including people who live there) joke about the hit-and-miss dining situation on the Gold Coast. I have friends and family who dread meeting up with us for lunch or dinner simply because they have come down to Melbourne to visit, seen what variety and quality the city has to offer and know that they have far fewer reliable options to tempt us with.

Having lived a big chunk of my life up there I can say there are some hidden gems to be found, but only if you know where to look. Head absentmindedly into Surfers Parade or Broadbeach and you will have no one to blame but yourself. But do your research and you will find a few nuggets of gold like Hellenica (reviewed here) and its brand-new sister restaurant in Burleigh, The Fishhouse. Also Elk Cafe (though inconsistent) is livening up the brunch scene and is a great space in which to pass a lazy Sunday morning.

If a Rockwell and Sons opened up on the GC it would stop the city in its tracks. But the new buzz place up there is Justin Lane – a pizza joint that doesn’t take reservations. Yeah I know. Pizzas – we like them, but are they worthy of that much hype? *shakes head in shame*

But times are a-changing. The most recent opening for 2013 is a little place called Pablo Pablo – a Spanish eatery and bar down in Palm Beach. Much along the same lines of Anada on Gertrude St it serves simple tasty plates of Spanish goodness to a very willing public.  Now again – I know tapas has been done to death and I too am awaiting the Peruvian cantina invasion, but the people of the Gold Coast deserve a buzzing small-plate dining experience and this is their moment.

The interior of Pablo Pablo is rustic and minimalist in its style and layout. They throw in some hacienda-chic with the choice of light fittings, floor tiles and solid wooden tables, and the quirky paintings dotted with vibrant ingredients are attention grabbing in a good way. Nothing too ‘try hard’ here.

We started off with the fresh bread and first press olive oil – a lovely green hue – and followed with the jamon serrano – the 24-month cured ham from the ‘Landrace’ breed of white pig. It was sliced pretty thick and lacked the overpowering saltiness that you can sometimes get with heavily cured charcuteries.

After this came the sobrasado, the spreadable salami which is traditionally produced in the Balearic Islands just off the coast of Spain. The kicker of this as you can see in the photo was that the smudge we received cost 12 of your earth dollars. Give me a proper pot of the stuff so I can spread liberally for that price. Dehesa in London does. We found everything else to be very reasonable.

I couldn’t fault the jamon croquettes which were deliciously savoury, cheesy, crunchy and deep-fried to perfection. This is a don’t-miss dish. The pulled pork belly, roasted onions with pear and lime dressing was off the menu due to the pork not having enough time to be pressed. Good on them for sticking to their guns.

Moving onto the chargrilled chorizo with melted manchego. Phallic? Yes. Tasty? Indeed. The decent shaving of cheese made this stand out next to places that just dish out the sausage itself.

In a huff due to no pork belly I went for the seared wagyu beef, pan juices and watercress. This was one of my favourite dishes when I recently travelled through Italy and it didn’t let me down. The quality, quantity and flavours justified the $18 price tag.

Even though everyone knows that salads and vegetables were invented for poor people, we did grab the garlic mushrooms which wierdly rocked my world.  Big thumbs up for that. You can never have too much garlic. And we loved the mix of mushroom varieties. Predicable as I am I have to try the potatas bravas, which were twice cooked and served in a rich tomato sauce with an added dash of spiciness that I have come to expect.

To finish off – churros – Spanish doughnuts with warm dipping chocolate, and a mile away from the horridness of the chain we have in Melbourne. Where most places fall down, Anada included, is that the dough is too, well, doughy. Not here – light and fluffy and sprinkled with cinnamon sugar. Chefs need to know the importance of finishing a meal on a high, so that the dessert blows you out of the park as much as the mains.

Pablo Pablo isn’t doing anything new, but they are doing it well and that will ensure they go far – we wish the awesome staff all the best for the future. Authenticity on the Gold Coast? You better believe it!

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The deets

Queensland 4221

Ph. (07) 5534 7003

Recently, an inner west café in Sydney hit the headlines after asking a mother to leave because she was breastfeeding her baby. Thankfully, cafes like this are rare in my experience. The inner west of Sydney has an abundance of fantastic cafes that not only serve great food and coffee, but also go out of their way to create a child-friendly café experience.

Here are five of my favourites:

1. Bitton Gourmet Cafe 36-37a Copeland Street, Alexandria

Bitton Gourmet has a fantastic play area out the back including toys and two Child-Friendly Solutions wall mounts. It is like a private room for kids, although it opens out onto the deck area. They have lots of highchairs and baby change facilities. The kids’ menu looks really yummy and offers lots of kiddie-sized drink options such as babycinos, milkshakes, smoothies and fresh juice. They open for dinner from 5.30pm Wednesday to Saturday, which is perfect for dinner with little ones. Staff are very welcoming and helpful. Headed up by French chef David Bitton, this café takes its food and coffee very seriously. Their website says “Bitton continues to strive to be the best local cafe in the community providing quality food using the freshest produce and our own unique flavours”. They do not disappoint.

The Grounds of Alexandria Building 7A, no.2 Huntley Street, Alexandria

Located in an old pie factory from the early 1900s, The Grounds of Alexandria is a very popular cafe (note – there are often queues to get in on weekends). Outside is spacious, filled with vegetable and herb gardens, a kids’ play area and chicken coop. There is no table service outside (takeaway food and coffee only) which was disappointing as the menu looked delicious. The play area is very popular with young families. It has ‘soft-fall’ ground, chalk board and interesting things to climb on, however, it is worth remembering that there is no shade in this area. Other child-friendly features – there are highchairs, but no baby change facilities and no room in the toilet cubicles for a pram, a limited kids’ menu but bakery items that little ones would enjoy. Major downside is the parking. Even at 10.30am on a weekday it was a nightmare.

Armory Wharf Cafe Blaxland Riverside Park, Jamieson Street, Newington

Located within Sydney Olympic Park  the cafe sits down along the Parramatta River where kids can watch the River Cats go by. The cafe has loads of child-friendly features – highchairs, plastic plates and cups, colouring-in sheets about The Armory and a change table in the disabled toilet. They have a ‘cadets menu’ on offer for breakfast and lunch that includes mini milkshakes. Don’t come here if you are in a rush because I can guarantee your kids will want to play in the AMAZING adventure playground set up on the hill above the cafe. There are also cycle paths galore and some army-style rope structures just by the cafe. Parking can be hard on weekends due to how popular the playground is.

Esther’s Table 61 Annandale Street, Annandale

This cute corner cafe is tucked away off the main roads, which creates a lovely intimate local feel. There are plenty of child-friendly features on offer. They have a kids’ menu, plastic cups and cutlery, and highchairs. Babycinos and kiddie-sized milkshakes, smoothies and frappes are on offer. Adults menu is really yummy, too. Inside you will find kids’ table and chairs tucked in the corner out of the way. You will need to ask directions to the toilets if needed, but once there you will find a baby change table and a cane chair for breastfeeding if you prefer to be tucked somewhere discreet.

Hopscotch Cafe 284 Great North Road, Wareemba

The play area is the winner for kids at Hopscotch Cafe. It is not enclosed but is nestled in a corner. Kids will enjoy making you coffee in the toy kitchen, doing a puzzle or galloping on the plastic rockers. Highchairs, baby change table, breastfeeding welcomed and plenty of space for strollers. Very nice and reasonably priced kids’ menu. For example, a slice of organic sourdough with choice of spread is $2.95, egg, bacon, tomato and organic toast costs $6.95, or free-range double smoked ham and cheese sandwich on organic sourdough is $6.95. Babycinos only 70c and kiddie milkshakes $2.95. Service can be a little slow here, but the staff are very friendly and accommodating. Outdoor seating available for sunny days and free Wifi on offer for grown-ups.

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Linda Anderson is the founder of Mums on the Go  – a directory of child-friendly businesses. Linda is mum to three gorgeous girls (aged 4.5 years, 2 years and 7 months) and loves heading out with the family for weekend breakfast or coffee. Linda has lived in Sydney’s inner west on and off for more than 10 years. To find child-friendly cafes and restaurants in your local area visit the website or Mums on the Go facebook page for updates.

While Melburnians were busy trying to convince themselves that the annual Taste Festival was living up to expectations (despite the over- the-top entrance fee and abhorrent cost of the catering-style dishes they were expected to buy) we were living it large at Toast Martinborough in New Zealand’s North Island last year. No creeping realisations that we had been ripped off here.

We were staying at the amazing Museum Hotel in Wellington, which faces right out onto the water and is a five-minute walk from the city centre and a 15-minute harbourside stroll to the train station. The place is filled with art – some awesome, most bizarre – a swimming pool and spa, and heaps of helpful staff to point a newbie like me in the right direction.

A word to the wise – Toast only happens one day a year so there is quite some demand for tickets and transport. Now in its 21st year, I don’t know why they don’t choose to run it for a long weekend. There are two different trains that will transport you to your destination – one is the Toast Train where you can book a seat but sell very quickly and the other is the one public train of the day from Wellington to Martinborough. This had us concerned so we turned up an hour early to buy a ticket and found that the line was huge. But they put on an extra few carriages so there was no issue.

The only similarities between Taste and Toast is that both rhyme with each other and they make you change your cash into pretend money.

Toast Martinborough should be on anyone’s radar if they consider themselves a fan of NZ wine. Martinborough is a quiet country town about an hour out of Wellington by train and surrounded by vineyards/ cellar doors that are very easy to walk around. But, if you feel the need after a few vinos, you also have the option of bus services arriving every two minutes to ferry you to your next destination – they service all wineries featured in the event and run in both clockwise and anti- clockwise directions. It is the place to experience outstanding wines from Martinborough’s award-winning vineyards and the owners partner with the region’s top restauranteurs to provide an array of decent grub.

This post was lost – but ince the news of the impending closure of Loam on June 30 – why not give it the airing it deserves?  So here is our very edited experience:

A landmark birthday deserves a mouthwatering, wallet-lightening all-out splurge. And so to mark Photo Monkey’s birthday we borrowed our friends’ spare wheels and headed to the Bellarine Peninsula, turning off down a dirt track and rocking up an hour-and-a-half after leaving the city at Lighthouse Olive Grove – home of Loam. Overlooking rows of olive trees with the sparkling waters of  Swan Bay in the distance the location immediately focuses your attention on the countryside – and that kind of sums up what this Drysdale haunt is all about – accomplished and experimental cooking that allows great ingredients to shine through in all their glory. It’s also about local produce that has been locally foraged and (in some cases) sourced from further afield. Our dessert course featured a grass sorbet and the dehydrated stems of three-leaf clovers growing just metres from the dining room. As I said – simple, local, experimental.

Anyway, we arrived and got a table with a great view – not that hard considering the dining room only has 12 or so tables and just about all the seats are angled towards the large windows that overlook the greenery outside and arranged around a huge wooden waiters station dotted with flowers in test tubes (in a rustic not clinical way) and veggies. As well as plenty of cutlery and posh cutlery for the multi-course tasting menus – go for 4, 7, 9 all of which can be matched with wines (mainly small Victorian produces, with a smattering of offerings from elsewhere in Australia and Europe).

Appetisers set the standard pretty high – wafer-thin salmon jerky, pickled mussels and cheese twists – sound simple but the flavours were spot on.

Clam, butter beans, rice starch and sea palm

Smoked heirloom carrots, quark, milk, tarragon

Snapper, anchovy, avocado, pork fat

Duck tongues, salsify, chickweed, horseradish

O’Connor beef, Jerusalem artichoke, sea lettuce, thyme

Mandarin, almond, coconut, young pine

Grass, parsley, sorrel, whole lemon, chocolate

LOAM

650 Andersons Rd
Drysdale
(03) 5251 1101

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Via Goodfood.com.au:

One of country Victoria’s most innovative and respected restaurants, the Bellarine Peninsula’s two-hatted Loam, is to close. The restaurant’s landlord, Marcus Oldham College, has announced it is advertising the restaurant’s lease, which ends on June 30.

A college spokesman said Loam was offered another three-year lease but the owners, chef Aaron Turner and his wife, restaurant manager, Astrid, chose not to renew it. “It’s time to explore other options,” Aaron said. Last summer customers found Loam closed, unexpectedly, for several weeks during peak holiday season. At the time, the Turners cited “difficult family matters they preferred remain private,” adding then they had considered closing Loam as a result, but had decided to continue.

Owner-chef Aaron Turner has just released this statement: “After four phenomenal years we’ve decided to close the doors, catch our breath, seek out new inspirations and prepare for new challenges. We cannot truly begin to convey our gratitude for the invaluable support we have received from our guests, esteemed colleagues, generous reviewers, passionate producers and winemakers. You are all responsible for some of the most edifying, inspirational and rewarding years of our careers and indeed, our lives. Your encouragement, respect and faith in us has been truly humbling. Thank you for making the journey to find us and allowing us to welcome you in to the little restaurant we’ve called home.”

Awarded regional restaurant of the year in the 2012 Age Good Food Guide, Loam was part of an elite group—Victoria’s six two-hatted regional restaurants. Aaron Turner opened the restaurant after working overseas with the current #1 and #2 from the World’s 50 Best list, Spain’s El Celler de Can Roca, and Denmark’s Noma. Loam sits on the Prudence Myer campus of Marcus Oldham College – a property gifted to the college by the Myer family – which will continue to operate as Lighthouse Olive Grove.  

This trip came at the perfect time, as I was in sore need of a getaway and I all I had been told from WordMonkey was to take the day off – much easier to get than was to be expecting… But we arrived at the airport and was ushered onto a flight to Adelaide – somewhere I had never visited or was high on my list of places to see.

I had not packed anything and just reached out to Michael Fox – ex-Head Chef of Henry & The Fox – but was way to late to expect any sort of reply.  Many of you may have seen my alert but not alarmed tweets that I sent out for assistance once I arrived at my destination. My first impressions of the city were that it seemed like they had the same city planers as Melbourne Docklands. Lots of things/places congregated together and then large stretched of nothing. If anyone started a bike hire scheme there for tourists it would be immediately popular.

A good location to set up camp is the Adabco Boutique Hotel – close enough to everything to be in walking distance but not in the heart of the hustle and bustle that could keep you awake at night.

Our first stop as any decent person with an interest in food was the Adelaide central market. Paul Mullen from @farfromfamished put it perfectly – “Way better than Victoria Market”. He was so right. If you don’t believe me – what percentage of Victoria Market do you visit regularly? If you just say the food section and not the huge amount of tat that is sold then you are on my wavelength.

But what if you could just grab the very best parts of the Vic Market and put that under one roof and you will get Adelaide Market. And it’s open in the evenings on Friday nights.  How perfect would it be if Vic market did the same – a cheap fresh feed with a drink before heading on – and being able to do your fruit and veg shopping as well?

Highlights of the market was the fresh coffee being roasted and just across the way was a haphazard bread stall with the baker selling his wares. The Mettwurst shop was a hit and we took a few of their sticks home with us.  Funny enough they have just popped up and the new regional farmers markets that had their first fair last week.  So now we can stock up monthly.

The little café hidden in the bustle reminded me of Barcelona’s famous markets where Ferran Adria and his team would visit when visiting their laboratory. Fresh food made on the spot with fresh ingredients.  The place was always heaving.

WordMonkey lost her shit when she saw this place. – The Smelly Cheese Shop.  Name me a place in Melbourne that has this range at these prices? Such a fantastic range and doing a roaring trade. But to me – a non-cheese eater as much as I can be – it was exactly as the sign promised.

Moving on we had a few options for lunch but as we were meeting up with an Aussie teacher than taught WordMonkey in primary school back in London many a year ago we let her choose. Luckily it was a name that kept coming up in the Tweets we received:

Bistro Dom

24 Waymouth St

Adelaide, SA 5000

Ph. 08 8231 7000 – I would advise to make a booking.

It lined up with the Tour de France theme that the city was sporting. The place looked just like any other café you would find in France, which won me over immediately. What was an issue was the decision to only have one staff member running the floor during Friday lunchtime.  But aside from that – let see what food they had in stall for us.

I went for the local Amazon Ale while the ladies lunched on the duck foie gras terrine.  It disappeared pretty quickly so make of that what you will. A half dozen oysters was WordMonkey’s choice – I felt like there was too much seawater involved and gave too much of a salty sting.

The main of mushroom risotto was a decent size but needed much more seasoning to make it a more interesting dish. The snapper with scallops and fig was note perfect – both the seafood was cooked perfectly and the dressing really made it shine.

I was holding myself back for a meal I hoped wouldn’t disappoint.  The grass fed, dry aged beef served with a clove of roasted garlic, bone marrow and fries was a sight to behold. Unfortunately the meat was very undercooked for my request of medium rare – as much as my chef mates tell me there is no such thing. And having had the roasted bone marrow at St John in London – I had to wonder how they expected patrons to get the marrow out – as trying to dip the fries into it just wasn’t happening. Would I go back? Maybe if I was a local – but the amount of other places on that strip would need to be tried first before listing it as a chosen destination.

Like Melbourne, Adelaide is a city to be explored on food. Set up in a grid system and nice little laneways to wonder down you will miss half the exciting stuff if you limit your self to a vehicle.  And the tram is completely free if you use it within the CBD – very much like Melbourne but just more legal.

The Botanical Gardens are well worth a visit as they are found at the top corner of the city where pretty much everything is happening.

Dinner that night was a return to the Central Market at Lucia’s Italian.  Fresh pastas and pizza with a Friday night special of their home made lasagna. The space is small and fills up easily so you need to know how to maneuver to get an order. Get inside to the till and place your order for everything – food, drinks and dessert. You can’t hang around for a table inside the shop so then ask for a number and head further into the market to get a generic table anywhere. It is much quicker than fighting off the masses and the serving staff will hunt you down when your food is ready.

But the main reason for coming to Adelaide was to steer clear of Rod Laver Arena – and see Flight of the Conchords in a more intimate venue.  Suffice to say they were brilliant.

A word to the wise – Adelaide is very much like a supermodel – I don’t get up for anything less than a 10am open time. A hindrance if you are leaving town and want to grab any sort of bite or coffee. Sad face.

But to my surprise we hired a car and made our way to the Clare Valley. Such a great surprise. By bypassing the popular Barossa Valley we were able to have a more intimate visits to wineries and other destinations, as it is just that much further out from Adelaide that not all are willing to make the trek. But saying that it is literally only 1.5 hours from the city centre.

Little did I realise that this was a Riesling hub and that our first stop was literally going to be my favourite winery and brewery – Knappstein.  This was the one wine that I bought for special occasions when in London for extended family of friends as they only had German Rieslings that were always far too sweet.

Our second stop was Kirrihill Cellar Door – with a tasting from a guy who helped us restart the car after I left the lights on during an extensive tasting session. The restaurant upstairs serves a great selection of hearty food and a good stop to fill up until your next destination. The salt and pepper squid and local tasting plate really did the job.  Again service was a bit backwards but this far off the beaten track it is to be expected.

Our biggest disappointment was the Sevenhill Clare Winery –  the oldest winery in the Clare Valley and still housing people of the cloth.  While the grounds are amazing it does seem like they are still just producing sacramental wine.  When there are so many top producers in the area you can really tell when your palette doesn’t like a range of wines.

Moving on we arrived at our destination – and a place I wouldn’t think twice about staying again – Amy’s House in Auburn.  Centrally located and 100m from what used to be the town’s train station now cellar door – The Old Railway Station.

Dinner that night was at The Rising Sun Pub, two mins walk from the front door. Now owned and operated by a local winemaker the wine is close to home, the beers are limited edition and the food is generous.

We started with the braised duck leg and spring onion filo tart. One of the highlights of the entire trip. My main was the beef cheek porter pie – perfect for a freezing night. It was big and defeated me due to the continual grazing I had done during the day. What left us a little deflated was the classic Mediterranean seafood stew. There was no doubt about the freshness and huge amount of seafood but the stew was way too sweet and felt like too much sugar had been added.

Day 2

Having visited a fair share of wineries the previous day and with many in cycling outfits we decided to try our hand at riding the Riesling Trail. Providing ever-changing views of vineyards, farms and bush land, the trail follows the contours and curves of the former railway line from Auburn to Clare.  WARNING. There is a very slow incline that you wouldn’t notice and if you ride easily from Clare towards Auburn you will have a very tough ride back. We started at Auburn and were wondering why we were so unfit when the path looked completely flat. It’s not and there was much talk of people who rode down hill, got laggered and then had the worst of times trying to cycle back home with a head and belly-full of wine.

If you are lucky enough to stay at Ann’s they have very good bikes they will lend you to make the trek otherwise there are a few places dotted around that will hire them to you for a fee.

The first stop on the path – and boy did we need it – was O’Leary Walker Wines. Their Rieslings, Shiraz and cabernet are bargain benchmarks for the area and their Clare Reserve Shiraz rank among the regions best. It also has some of the best views of any cellar door.

Never trust a man with 2 first names I hear you say?  I agree in all cases except for this. Even though the owner’s wife makes barely a peep the wines are worthy of a visit.

On our way home we had hear the sentence “What? You aren’t going to Skillogalee to eat?” We soon changed our tune.  It was the best meal of the trip as expected from one of the region’s finest restaurants. Meals are situated in and around the original stone cottage in the vineyard. You should set aside time to give this place your utmost attention.

Starting with the special of mackerel pate and crostini splashed with Shiraz. Genius.

You can enjoy the full range of wines by the glass, which we gladly did on the way back to Adelaide. The braised pork belly wrapped in prosciutto on a bed of risoni. But don’t waste my time with sprouts young man.

WordMonkey went with the daily special of pasta with chicken and prawns with a creamy Riesling sauce. Dubious of having two types of ‘meat’ she was more than happy to polish it off.

And who’s to stop me from a well made sticky toffee pudding to last me the journey back to the city?

So if you need a guide to Adelaide and the Clare Valley’s hits and misses I hope we have provided. I haven’t been able to include everything so if you want further information please do hit us up.

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Find part 1 here.

There are some cracking pieces in here – showing you why London is one of the few heartlands where graffiti is actually worth searching for and seeking out.

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You know the story of The Town Mouse and The Country Mouse – one’s a bit flash while the other is more modest in his tastes. Well, Carlton’s latest opening manages to be both mice at the same time, if you get what I mean. Glow-in-the-dark business cards and gold leaf signage out front? Now that is flashy. And if the food weren’t so insanely well-judged and delicious I’d have a hard time accepting such ostentatious gimmicks. Luckily, substance far outweighs style at this very stylish haunt – the latest in a long line of gourmet over-achievers to inhabit the narrow space on Drummond Street. Andrew McConnell’s Three, Two, One and Nicolas Poelaert’s Embrasse might have once called this spot home, but all ghosts of restaurants past have been stripped away. The present incarnation, owned by Christian McCabe – who used to run Wellington’s sensational Matterhorn, looks slick and inviting. The false ceiling has been knocked out, the bar has moved location, a door has been revealed. The extensive facelift has resulted in black-tiled walls with stunning green borders, high wooden tables and an easy-to-perch-at bar. It is a little bit bistro, a little bit New York. It certainly stands out amid the slew of industrial chic and minimalist styling that seems to be dominating Melbourne’s food scene lately. Let’s just say a quick word about the service and then I can avoid repeating myself throughout the remainder of this post. It’s good. Friendly, assured and five steps ahead of the game, the staff are an absolute joy and happy to make recommendations or to take a step back as required. And as for the stuff coming out of Amber McCabe (ex-Longrain) and husband Jay Comeskey’s (once at South Melbourne icon St ALi) kitchen goes – wowsers. One more aside. We go through phases of slavishly following the hype – hopping from one new opening to another, and having our dining decisions dictated by whatever has been name-checked on Twitter the most – and then we go through phases where we just can’t be bothered. It’s so rare the reality lives up to the expectation in those first few feverish weeks of opening. Acland Street Cantina and Virginia Plain might be extreme examples, but I don’t think it’s uncommon to leave a new place feeling a little jaded. Our benchmark when deciding whether a place makes the grade is if we leave wishing we had spent our hard-earned cash at The Estelle instead (substitute your favourite Melbourne restaurant as appropriate). Sometimes, a place you had hoped would blow you away turns out to be a bit underwhelming, for example – dare we say it – what’s all the fuss about Little Hunter? Back to the here and now. A couple of glasses of smoky-peppery nero d’avola from Sicily ($11.50 a glass on the Thirsty menu) go down a treat and we turn our attention to the Hungry menu – both menus look great and feature the same slanting typography that appears on the front window and stoop (inviting you to ‘Come In For Good Times). There is also a kind of TRON-style grid. Whatever, it looks cool. Broken into To Start, Raw, To Share, Vegetables, Meat and Fish, and Dessert the list encourages the kind of sharing we have come to know and love. It is such a great way to try a variety of dishes and avoid the dreaded curse of food envy. Fresh warm bread with seaweed butter is served alongside the first dish of the night – steamed diamond shell clams from Cloudy Bay, black mussels, clam bisque, fennel and rosemary ($25) – and it is a great way to mop up the briny liquid and tart fennel shavings at the bottom of the bowl. A real taste of the sea this one, and great to discover such a delicious winter warmer that doesn’t weigh you down at the beginning of a meal. Couldn’t really discern the rosemary (but not sure it was necessary, anyway). Slightly sticky, rich little squares of lamb belly, dried carrots, peas, goat’s milk, pistachio and orange blossom ($22) came next. Dried might be an understatement when it comes to the carrots – there were dehydrated until black and had an amazing teeth-coating texture. Heaps of flavour in something so innocuous? Yep, and the orange root vegetable continued to excel itself in our second meat dish – blackened pork jowl, smoked carrot kimchi, cos, green apple and peanuts ($23). All the warmth and fermented goodness of the Korean stalwart without the nose-burning pungency. A great Asian slant on a broadly Mediterranean menu. When we aren’t comparing places to our favourite restaurant (I won’t repeat it), we are judging a restaurant on the quality of their vegetables. That’s right. When you are paying double figures for a few potatoes you want them to a delicious dish in their own right. And that was exactly what we found here. Kipfler potatoes cooked in toasted hay, buttermilk, crisp sage and almond brown butter ($12). Oh my. The buttermilk and fluffy potatoes combined perfectly – honestly this was one of the standout dishes of the night. The shaved courgette and cos, parmesan, lemon, tarragon and mint ($14) provided a lighter foil to all the earthy flavours in front of us. Again, we could happily eat that side on its own. We were really torn when it came to dessert and eschewed the chocolate offering in favour of lemon and yuzu curd, white chocolate, burnt coconut, spiced rum and coconut sorbet with a crackable meringue outer ($14) – there was a whole lot going on here, which worked really well in unison but was a bit too much or not enough when tasted in isolation. The cubes of spiced rum jelly, for example, were eye-wateringly boozy until teamed with soothing flakes of white chocolate and the creamy sorbet. Meal finished, bill paid and last dregs of wine drained from the glass we found ourselves sad to leave. So strong were my separation issues I managed to leave still clutching my napkin. At least I have something to remember one of the best dining experiences in Melbourne by, and another reason to head back soon (as if we needed another one).

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The Town Mouse                                                                                                   312 Drummond St, Carlton                                                                                    Ph. (03) 9347 3312

Strap yourself in folks, and prepare for a rough ride. You know how sometimes, when we want to share our brutally honest opinions of a place, we write a little preface to clarify that:

1.No, we haven’t visited three times

2.No, we aren’t out to court controversy

3.Yes, you should probably go and check it out for yourself and draw your own 
conclusions

4.Yes, they have just opened so perhaps we could be a bit more lenient…

Etc, etc. We do this primarily because we think it is important people understand where we are coming from, but we also do it because we are sick and tired of people Tweeting up a storm whenever anyone dares criticise a place that has been open for less than a month. Well, this time, we are not pussy footing around. These are our thoughts, we will not be returning to give them the benefit of the doubt, and if this post comes across as a bile-filled rant then so be it. We are angry.

So we wander into a quarter-full cafe situated in a Camberwell cafe. We aren’t familiar with Annoying Brother in Fitzroy and come to this 100-seater spot with a rumbling tummy and an open mind. (Apparently, size matters to owner Moussi. I quote a recent comment in Broadsheet: ‘Moussi says that while there are smaller places in the area producing outstanding coffee, there aren’t many that offer a setting for 100 people or more.’ Anyway, there is big as in ‘communal dining’ big and then there is big as in ‘impersonal and it takes ages to flag down a waitress’ big.

Let’s start with a positive. The coffee was great. Well done Moody Sister house blend and well done Mr Barista. As for Mr Chef – where do I begin?

We ordered, we waited and then some ingredients on a plate / wooden board arrived. First impressions – it didn’t look very appetising. In fact, my pork roll looked like it had vomited up a load of bland meat. But while aesthetics are important we were willing to forgive shoddy presentation for a decent feed. Sadly, flavour had left the building and instead we found under-seasoned pork (no leaves, no real taste, no nothing).

$16.50

And then there was the tasteless avocado and practically non-existent feta spread on one slice of unbuttered / undrizzled with olive oil toast. This was accompanied by a few dry mushrooms (not thyme buttered as described) rolling around (this cost $16.50 by the way – it really bothers me when a cafe expects you to pay $16.50 for a dish that you could have made better yourself at home for a fraction of the price. This whole experience has pushed me one step closer to a life of hermitage).

Plates of half-eaten food were cleared (sorry, stacked on top of each other on the table) without the merest hint of concern. Perhaps the waitress knew what we were going to say. Looking at the couple next to us examining their poached eggs (read hard-boiled eggs) I think we knew what they were going to say, too.

Departing veered on the ridiculous as we explained our issues and hang-ups to the manager. I think she must have got fed up half way through as we were curtly cut off and told the comments would be passed on to the chef and we were charged the best part of $50 for the privilege. A free coffee wouldn’t have gone a miss.

Will we go back? We appreciate Kenneth (@eMeow) encouraging us to make the requisite three visits before making an assessment. But until we get that money-printing machine up and running, I don’t see why we should have to expose ourselves to such amateurism again. By all means, go and see for yourself. Maybe they were having an off day. But when food looks this bad and tastes this nothing, there is no convincing us to go back for a repeat experience.

So there. We’ve said it. Bring on the Twitter storm.

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My Other Brother

586 Burke Road Camberwell

Having entered the People’s Choice category we are hoping that you, the people, will support Sharking for Chips and Drinks by voting for us here or by clicking on the badge below. It’s super simple, just scroll through the list of blogs until you get to the fourth page and our name. It’s under ‘S’ for ‘Sharking’. If you have any problems let us know and we will try to help with our rather basic technological skills.

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Voting closes Tuesday 30 April 2013 at 5pm so start clicking folks! Thanks, from Sharky and Co.

Richard Ampudia’s time at Touché Hombre was short and fiery, but it most definitely deserves a mention – if only to make our foodie followers as green with envy as a pineapple juice and coriander-infused shot of verdita.

Hailed the Godfather of Mexican street food, Richard is the guy behind some of New York and London’s most-lauded restaurants – L’Esquina, Super Linda, Bar Bruno and La Bodega Negra.

Heading to Melbourne to showcase his all-round brilliance, Touché Hombre’s gritty next- door dining room (concrete floors, shimmering candlelight illuminating graffitied walls) provided a suitable ‘street’ backdrop to Richard’s cooking – now, these are some bold flavours with no unnecessary fussiness.

On the night we visited, during the infamous Melbourne heatwave, it was sweltering hot. But I guess this added to the authentic feel. It did, however, mean we knocked back a few too many refreshing jam jars of beery Bloody Marys.

So, the food:

Guacamole – toasted pepitas, pomegranate, queso fresco. Fresh and lively, the pepitas added a lovely bite, the pomegranate a lovely pop of juice.

Almejas al natural – Cloudy Bay clams done two ways – these zesty, chilli toppings didn’t mask the delicate seafood-ness of the clams and were so good I reckon I could say goodbye to oysters for good.

Atun chinaloa – yellowfin tuna, peanuts, orange zest. This might be the one dish that didn’t quite reach the highs that the others managed to achieve. The generous serve of tuna was just a little lost amid the others ingredients, and that might be a texture thing as much as a balance of flavours thing.

Tostados de aguachile – prawn, chipotle aioli, aguachile. Oh my, take heed please Melbourne’s other Mexican eateries – this is how to do a tostados, and I could say the same thing about the following taco dish, too.

Tacos campechanos de puerco – pork belly, pineapple habanero salsa. Fresh and tasty tacos with chunks of pork and a great zing of pineapple.

Mejillones al chipotle – Bar Bruno’s mussels, chipotle, cilantro, Spanish chorizo. Ok, we are starting to get really hot and sweaty by this point and the meaty mussels combined with the spicy chorizo have sexily dabbing at our foreheads with napkins. (It wasn’t sexy by the way, it was actually a bit embarrassing.) We run to the toilets (about 15 degrees cooler) and regroup before moving onto the mother of all courses.

Tacos de rib eye – grilled rib-eye, haloumi, cactus, bull fighter chillies. So huge and hearty, serving it on a think wooden board is the only answer. Beautifully cooked meat and succulent chunks of cactus were assembled at the table and garnished with a choice of four salsas. I wish I could remember the names of them, but I do know the green one was especially good.

Crema cocida – Mexican panna cotta, poached pineapple, star anise. I worry when I see this kind of fusion stuff going on, but the flavours all worked brilliantly in this Italian cooked cream – I think there should be more star anise in cooking in general. There, I’ve said it.

And so it came to an end, and we stumbled out into the balmy night to nurse our Mexican food babies on the tram home.

Richard’s visit coincided with the Melbourne Food and Wine Festival, but was an independent venture that could easily rival the program of events – it’s sheer inventiveness, multi-course deliciousness, drink-matching, opportunity to talk to the chef and atmospheric setting really set it apart from the rest of the pack.

Don’t be sad – you might have missed Mr Ampudia – but any restaurant that prides itself on pitting Melbourne street culture against Mexican taco culture is worth checking out and, since opening in March 2012, Touché Hombre has consistently won us over with their vibrant menu and communal dining vibe. We also love the rooster-decorated jugs. And with plans to expand into the next-door dining room for private functions, there will soon be even more space for street food.

corner of Tattersalls Lane and Lonsdale Street (03) 9663 0811

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